Last night I talked to Pastor Miller about going to Word of Life. He told me he’d be happy if I went there and i was growing. Not backsliding. Which I’m totally thrilled with. And that song on my profile now, “sometimes He calms,” has made a huge impact on me. I want to trust God. I want to see His love, and love Him in return. God has shown me happiness and joy in this day. Sunshine didn’t hurt anything either. Sunshine and blue skies and a couple of Scott Krippayne CDs… and God. *smiles* I guess that’s all God. Sunshine? Gift from God. Blue skies and a gorgeous day? God. Scott Krippayne’s musical ability and the money God gave me to buy a couple CDs? God.
And every one of those songs was laced with subtle and not-so-subtle inferences that God is to be trusted, that He is trustworthy, because of the great love He has for us… for me.
I was kinda mad at God, even suspicious, like I indicated in my last blog. How could You let this happen to me??? But I’m relearning how to trust Him. Nothing’s changed. Nothing but me. I’ve learned in the troubles I’ve had that when God does a miracle, it’s rarely the huge external miracle I’ve been begging for. It’s a bigger miracle. The circumstances I’ve been begging Him to rescue me from don’t change one iota. But I do.
It’s strange, because… I’m not even sure if my way of thinking about my circumstances has changed. I haven’t modified… that’s it. All that has changed is me… and my way of thinking about God. He really is everything. And I’m nothing. Not only is that Ok, it’s awesome. I don’t have to be something huge… I get to sit on Daddy’s shoulders. Everything I am is in Jesus. And that is the greatest part of all.
I’m beginning to think that the beginnings of the change inside of me today were rooted in something i said yesterday. I defined a goal to pastor miller… i simply asked him to call me back in a month and see where I’m at… and if I’m saying that God is good, God is incredible, and God is awesome – and have absolutely no earthly reason to believe that – but… those words had such power. Jesus does love me, this I know. I understand that saying truth does not make it truth. But saying truth makes it truth for ME. If that makes sense.
When I say something, it becomes a part of me. If I say that God is good, passionately, then in my eyes, God becomes good. (He was good already, but I am happier if I agree with that truth) If I say that Jesus is my boss, in my mind, it is done. Believe in your heart, confess with your mouth. This isn’t fluffy positive-thinking. But once I defined the goal, that I want to be able to say I trust God, I love Him – because He’s trustworthy, and He first loved me – once that was spoken, something began working inside of me… a goal, if you will.
Whatever the reason for my mood change… I suppose it’s possible – no – likely – that God gave me a day of joy… that’s it, actually. God gave me a day of joy and happiness. I keep thinking that “this is today, don’t worry about tomorrow, fight that tomorrow… Satan keeps trying to remind me that this is tonight, tomorrow is a totally different ball game… and then Jesus reminds me that “His mercies are new every morning.”
Speaking of which, I’ve gotta get to bed… gotta test that one out. See what new mercies await me tomorrow morning. …I can’t wait.