Black Dot on a White Sheet of Paper: A project

March 20, 2013

blackdot

Black Dot on a White Sheet of Paper.

One dot.
Much white.
Says little
Much to be said.

The black dot is us.
The white is the universe.
The black dot is us.
The white is God.

Not the center of the universe
Not even its own.
Black dot.
White sheet of paper.

You hardly notice it
But you can’t help it.
There it is.
Unique.
Different from everything around it.
Like you.

The white is us.
Nothing,
Empty,
Boring.

The black dot is God.
Orienting us.
Telling us where we are.
Nothing interesting except where we are in relation.
Black dot.
White sheet of paper.

The black dot is our sins
Blemishing us
Marking us
Defining us.

The black dot is the good we do.
Hardly any, compared to the massive uninterestingness
with which we live
our lives.

The white is goodness -
Invisible.
Unnoticed.

The black dot is the one thing we do wrong
and the first thing anyone notices about us.

We think we’re the black dot
swimming in the sea of white
and everyone else sees themselves
as that same black dot.

The picture is a lie.
There are black dots everywhere.
But it’s the truth we tell
ourselves.
We are the
Black dot
on a white sheet of paper.

White is emptiness
vastness
the flow in which we live our lives
searching, often vainly
for the black dot of purpose.
It is small.
Easily passed by.

White is fullness.
Black, that one black dot, is the emptiness we find ourselves in
Surrounded by others
living their dreams.

Truth is the black dot.
White is the lies that are
the truth we think we know.

White is the truth
The vast, unknown truth
Black is too big for what we know.

It’s a Rorschach test for creative minds
a black dot
on a white sheet of paper.

My words are the black dot
yours, the white paper.
My words are the white paper
yours, now, as small as the one black dot.
Fill my canvas with your dots.
Make my drawing lie.

Write your words in the form below.
What does it mean to you?
What, to you, is this white dot
on a blank sheet of paper?

Doubt

February 20, 2013

“The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it’s that they know so many things that just aren’t so.” -Mark Twain

I think that may be a problem within Christianity. We’re afraid to doubt. We’re afraid that we might be wrong about something so important as Ultimate Reality, because there’s so much at stake if we’re wrong. We’ve been told that doubt is bad. The solution is to find theories and explanations to prop up what we already believe to be true. And trust me, I know from experience: you can find an explanation that sounds reasonable to you for just about anything.

The problem lies in the fact that we’re being dishonest. We’re making up theories to explain why we must already be right, instead of dealing honestly with the nagging suspicion that we might be wrong, with questioning what we know. With wrestling with God.

In every other discipline, doubt is important.

Doubting Mathematics: A Story
Imagine yourself in a mathematical community that believes that 2+2=5, and you surrounded yourself with others who believed 2+2=5. Imagine that everything hung on 2+2=5. It’s absurd, and it’s wrong. Now suppose that everyone gathered together and could prove that 2+2=5. Had conventions on why it was true. That wouldn’t make it any less false; it would just reinforce your beliefs in something that was false. No matter what explanations you invented, there would still be this nagging feeling in the back of your brain that 2+2 might not equal five.

And one day, you might meet someone who didn’t believe that 2+2=5. This person had arguments for it, and they rang true with your doubts. And your friends surrounded you and explained to you that “We know that 2+2=5. Doubting is bad. You shouldn’t doubt important things like that.” Eventually you start to feel crazy, but slowly you find yourself surrounded by others who think that 2+2≠5.

Now suppose that your new community thinks that 2+2=3, not 5. Should you go along with them? Or should you continue to doubt? Do you have the nagging feeling (doubt again) that they might be wrong about 2+2? Doubt pries you out from the second community as well.

Suppose you find a community who believes 2+2=4. Should you join them? Certainly! But you still have that feeling in the back of your mind: These people might also be wrong. You doubt the truth. You doubt it often. You ask questions. You perform experiments. You test it. Not because it’s not true, but because you’ve been fooled twice before. But for the most part, you live out of the notion that 2+2=4. And then this community tells you that 2+3=7. “We were right about 2+2,” they say. “You should trust us on this one.” But you’ve gotten wiser. You doubt what they have to say.

Doubting God
Let’s transfer that story. Suppose you believe that God wants you to sacrifice animals to him. Imagine that everyone around you believes this, and they all tell you, “Don’t doubt this.” You find other ideas. You move forward. You learn that God isn’t interested in that. You learn by doubting what you already know, and by holding it loosely.

And yet much time and effort in Christianity is dedicated to apologetics – proving that what we already “know” about God is right. Doubt is bad because it means that we’re not sure we’re right.

Let me say that again: Doubt is bad because it means that we’re not sure we’re right.

No matter how sure you are that you’re right, it doesn’t make you right. It just makes you sure.

So doubt God. By which I mean, doubt what you believe about God. Test everything. Hold fast to what is true. Don’t fear doubt.

And when you look up into the sky and wonder if God is there, remember that the question you’re really asking is “Is there a being in existence whose attributes are identical with the attributes that I ascribe to God?” The answer may very well be “No.”God may not be how you imagine God. God may not want the things that you believe God wants. So doubt.

“But we have the Bible! We know what God wants!” So did the slave-owners in the American South. They quoted from scripture to prove that what they already believed about God was right. Hitler had the Bible. He quoted the story about Jesus driving the “Jewish swine” from the temple, to justify his genocide. His soldiers wore Christians, wearing belt buckles with the phrase “God With Us” in German. The crusades were done in the name of God by people who believed in scripture. Segregation was practiced in the name of God.

I overstate my case: History is filled with people who had the Bible and believed firmly that (what we now recognize as) the evil they were doing was the right thing to do, was what scripture taught them to do.

“But their theology was wrong!” But they believed that it was right. So perhaps we might practice a bit more humility in the things we “know” about God, and give credence to our doubts. And put love for others above our assumptions about the things God wants. Because, to paraphrase Jesus, “Love is what God wants.”

Jesus said that the two great commands were to love God and love your neighbor. And James says you can’t say you love God while hating your brother. And if we think God wants us to hate somebody, even if we can justify it with scripture, we should remember well the legacy of those who came before us and did the same.

“You’re wrong. Being wrong is sexy. Try to be wrong more often.” -Jessica Cakuls

Speaking of which…

Disclaimer of likelihood that I’m wrong:
I’m confident that I’m wrong about much that I’ve written, but I’ve written it just the same, because it made sense when I wrote it. Maybe there’s something here that will resonate with you.

Justice

February 20, 2013

Grandpappy told my Pappy back in my day, son,
A man had to answer for the wicked that he’d done
Round up all the rope in Texas, find a tall oak tree,
And hang up all them bad boys for all the people to see.
‘Cause justice is the one thing you should always find,
You gotta saddle up your boys, you gotta draw a hard line.

-Willie Nelson, “Beer For My Horses.”

Justice is fundamentally about equal distribution of suffering and deprivation.

Lawsuits for pain and suffering. You hurt me, I’ll have you put in jail to even things out. If you steal my money, I’ll make sure I get it back.

And our desire for justice is rarely about justice being executed upon us. We never want justice done to ourselves. We want justice done to other people. (Remember, we’re the good guys). It’s usually about making someone else pay for the wrong they’ve done, though occasionally it’s about making us pay for it. Social justice means that we ask those who are oppressing others to cease doing so. It doesn’t cost us anything to sign a petition trying to convince those horrible people to stop using slave labor while they’re making the clothing we’ve shopped to find the best price on. Mostly we want them to stop being evil so that we can go on living our lives and buying inexpensive shirts. Evil corporations have plenty of money; they’re making ridiculous profits! Let the money to pay the workers fairly come out of the CEO’s pocket, not ours. He’s making more per minute than they make per year. (Wait. That doesn’t sound like a bad idea). The point is that evil is somewhere else.

“If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere [else] insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?” -Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Evil is in us, we the protagonists of our own stories. We try to tell ourselves that in our stories we are the good guys, and good guys fight for justice. We’ve been told that fighting for justice is great, but how rarely do we realize that when we fight for justice, we also fight against the injustice in ourselves?

Jesus said we can do better than justice. Jesus said love is the best way.

If justice is about equal distribution of suffering and deprivation, then love is about unequal distribution of joy and provision. 

In justice, if I have two coats and you have none, I am forced to give one to you. In love, if I have two coats and you have none, I freely give one to you. In both narratives, you get a coat. In the love narrative, I get something as well: I get the thrill of being a good guy in my own story, instead of having someone else be the good guy by making me (as the bad guy) give you my coat. I get to be the hero.

Or if I have the last piece of cake and I give it to you because I want the joy of seeing you enjoy it. Or if I take my fiancée out to dinner, and I pay, because I want to enjoy the thrill of giving her something that she wouldn’t buy for herself.

Jesus’ love is creative. It goes further than finding some outside force (as we often attempt) to execute justice on the person acting unjustly; it places the force of justice inside the unjust and compels them to act justly; or, failing that, awakes the conscience of others who are acting unjustly and brings them alongside.

That’s why I think confession is important. It’s easy for me to recognize evil in others, much harder to recognize evil in myself. But if I am (in some sense) like everybody else, that means there is a part of me that is evil, and a part of me that deserves justice – deserves to answer for the wicked that I’ve done. I don’t want to answer for it. I want to be shown grace – which Jesus offers.

But then somehow I believe that someone needs to suffer for the sins I’ve done. Something about equal distribution of suffering being just and justice – but Jesus hijacks my justice in a tour de grace of love on the cross! Jesus says (effectively), you have to answer for the wicked that you’ve done? Fine. I’ll answer for it in your place.

But that will never do! For now the person against whom Psalm 51 suggests we have all sinned (whom we have caused to suffer) chooses to suffer even more on our behalf! If justice is about the equal distribution of suffering and deprivation, this isn’t justice; it is gross and horrible injustice! And that’s the point of love, I think: it’s unequal distribution of joy and provision. Scripture says that Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before him. Joy in what? Joy in giving.

On the cross, justice was thrown completely out of whack, irrevocably broken. An eye for an eye?! Jesus seems more to be saying “You’ve taken my eye? Here, have the other one, too.” Love and generosity. We have Christ’s grace, and Christ has the satisfaction and joy of knowing that we have it.

Perhaps in another sense, the cross is indeed about justice in the deprivation sense. We all suffer. We all die. We all sometimes feel the abandonment of God. And Jesus on the cross suffers, dies, and feels the abandonment of God. He experiences equal distribution of suffering and deprivation with us.

So on the cross, God (as Jesus) experienced justice (as deprivation) executed upon himself, and showed us love (as unequal distribution of joy and provision). He both accepted justice (in the deprivation sense) upon himself, and distributed love to others. Or, as that first-century hymn has it,

[Jesus,] though he was in the form of God,
did not regard equality with God
as something to be exploited,
but emptied himself,
taking the form of a slave,
being born in human likeness.
And being found in human form,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to the point of death—
even death on a cross.

Therefore God also highly exalted him
and gave him the name
that is above every name,
so that at the name of Jesus
every knee should bend,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue should confess
that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Disclaimer of likelihood that I’m wrong:
I’m painting in broad strokes. I’m confident that I’m wrong about much that I’ve written, but I’ve written it just the same, because it made sense at 2 am. Maybe there’s something there that will resonate with you.

Narrative

February 20, 2013

I opened up my Bible,
And I read about me…

-Steven Curtis Chapman, “The Great Adventure.”

There’s a story you tell yourself about yourself, a story that stars you as the main character, as the protagonist. This story is about you. And like every story, you try to predict the ending. You know what your character is after. You know what resolution will make your character go live happily ever after.

Your story is informed by all sorts of things. Mine was influenced by romantic movies, country music, and any number of sermons I’ve heard throughout my life. For example:

I try to stay honest, because I learned in a sermon once that whenever I’m dishonest, I’m trading my integrity for whatever dishonesty would gain me. And in my story, I want to be a person of integrity. Because in my story, I want to be the good guy.

I want to get married, because the stories in the country music and chick flicks and sermons I’ve heard tell me that being married is a good thing. It’s something the protagonist of my story would do.

I’m trying to get a job teaching because I want to make a good difference in this world. And making a good difference in the world is something that a good character according to my understanding of the story would do.

I write this blog because in my story, I’m an up-and-coming writer who will one day be famous and massively influential.

So what happens when we live outside of our stories?

I heard a story about a Catholic soldier in the US Military who had a bumper sticker made apologizing to God for what he had done for freedom, including unintentionally killing civilians. He’s Catholic, so part of his story is that good guys don’t kill innocent civillians.

But he’d already done it.

He lived inside of a story where he (the good guy in his own story) did something that the good guy in his story could never do. So he did the only thing that the good guy in his story could possibly do: he had a bumper sticker made apologizing for what he’d done.

We’re all the good guy (or girl) in our own stories. The trick is to learn what sort of stories we’re living. To learn if those stories make sense.

Some have said that Jesus is the good guy. That’s great, but we’re not Jesus, and we have a hard time living with the idea that we’re the bad guy in our own story. So we write our stories as people who were formerly the bad guys and had conversion experiences and became good guys.

The problem with this is that when we become the good guys, we look for bad guys, because in many of our narratives, there are bad guys. And what we do with bad guys is the subject of my next blog :)

Psalms for Doubters – Something In My Heart Believes

February 15, 2013

Something in my heart believes
Or wants to

Sometimes it’s hard to tell
So I take the rope again
And pray there’s something at
_____the top

The way is dark, and sometimes lonely
Sometimes the path is steep
The road looks less like black and white
When it appears
_____at all.

I had a dream where they called gays fags
in a song in church
I stood up, outraged, demanded that they stop
I was overcome by
_____the fury

Where’s heaven? And is it ever coming?
Coming to save us from ourselves,
our poor, lost selves?
Will Jesus ever come back and save
_____the world?

And if he does, will we even like it?
Will our hearts have gone too far in our own way?
Will we know Jesus so intimately that when he shows up
We’ll know that it’s
_____not him?

Jesus, if you’re out there,
Come and save us.
Send a signal.
The cross was great, but
All those years
And all the tears between
The dust of history books -
You and I
Both know it could’ve been
_____a myth.

And fiction, and crooks
and liars, thieves
the folks you came to save
_____rewrote your story

and wrote out folks like them
and wrote out folks like us.

They said you didn’t like anybody
but that as our failed parent it was
your obligation to come and save us from
our evil selves.
_____So you did.
I don’t want to believe you’re mad at us.

But are you really out there, or are you just
a mirage of wishful thinking
a beautiful true story,
that mythbusters will find
_____BUSTED ?

Well
I don’t know.
And maybe no one can.
_____But I’ll believe.

There’s evidence enough
to get a nod from me.
Not enough to silence all my doubts
My questions
_____And maybe there never could be.

But forward, into the darkness
Following the shadow of a doubt.
Hoping gentle words and love can save the world
Hoping that salvation is out there
Hoping that salvation’s coming
_____in here.

This is why doubters don’t write hit Christian songs.
Nobody wants a maybe-hope, we want
The Truth
with a capital T.
_____It’s not that easy.

- – -

I was driving home late one night and got to thinking that there aren’t a whole lot of songs on Christian radio that speak to people who aren’t certain of everything, and I got this idea to write some Psalms for us. I didn’t really follow standard Psalm format, but I thought, we need poetry that helps us see that we’re not alone in our questions.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I can fix this,” you’re the reason I was nervous about publishing this in the first place.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I thought I was the only one who felt that way,” this is for you.

Psalms for Doubters: And Yet

February 12, 2013

I knew the answers, the replies,
But no one ever asked the questions.
When they did ask, they were harder,
_______Stuff I was never prepared for:
 _______How can God ignore an abused child’s prayer?

I knew the verses, the chapters, the book
But I never saw the genocide
Until it hit me like a grenade
Bombed my faith, belief, my
_______certainty.

I heard God’s voice, felt his spirit,
But all those answered prayers,
And strong emotions
Could be explained away by logic, common sense,
_______Emotional willpower.

And then one day God died.

The joy collapsed, my full heart emptied
I felt love drain from my frozen soul
God’s promises, all broken
Every man be true, but God, a liar.
_______And.

If anything was real, Hell was.
I dreamed of death, God, make it quick
Our hearts weren’t made to hurt like this,
so close my miserable existence,
in your mercy, give me
_______an end.

I slowly died, and was reborn
A shadow of myself
A heart too cracked to love, too torn
My faith in shreds upon the floor, and God
_______not to be trusted.

God will always do what’s best,
I made myself believe it.
I held on tightly through the hard times,
but whenever things got better,
_______dread.

I’d learned already
how all happy stories end:
God was gonna firebomb my heart
_______again.

And somehow it would be
for my own good.
 ______________Bullshit.

I waited long in fear and hesitation
Waited for the other shoe to fall.
But fear destroys your soul as well as heartbreak
It keeps love out, it keeps love
_______out.

A flower in the concrete
Legends of an empty tomb
Stories of a god who came and died
Strong evidence the legends could not be
_______true.

What if it’s all a lie?
The words that others hold so tightly
know are true
the words for which my counter-evidence
_______recommends an appeal.

I flex my muscles
Grip the rope
Arm over arm, but
not gaining much, in way of
_______hope.

The wise ones see my progress,
See my aim,
Grab my arms and pull
They want to claim
_______they helped.

I shake my arms free
I pull away, I lose the rope
I can’t go back to self-deception
If their path is real, it needs
_______correction.

I can’t prove my faith with math,
strict logic that cannot be undone,
Evidence that demands a verdict,
_______and yet –

And yet.

- – -

I was driving home late one night and got to thinking that there aren’t a whole lot of songs on Christian radio that speak to people who aren’t certain of everything, and I got this idea to write some Psalms for us. I didn’t really follow standard Psalm format, but I thought, we need poetry that helps us see that we’re not alone in our questions.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I can fix this,” you’re the reason I was nervous about publishing this in the first place.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I thought I was the only one who felt that way,” this is for you.

Psalms for Doubters: Hey God

February 11, 2013

Hey God
They told me you’d show me where to go
They said you’d always lead the way
That I could count on you for direction
But all I’ve been able to count on you for lately
_____Is silence.

Hey God
They said you cause everything that happens
But bad has happened
And i can’t believe you’d be behind it.

Hey God.
I don’t believe them anymore
But I still kind of believe in you.

Hey God
Are you there?

- – -

I was driving home late one night and got to thinking that there aren’t a whole lot of songs on Christian radio that speak to people who aren’t certain of everything, and I got this idea to write some Psalms for us. I didn’t really follow standard Psalm format, but I thought, we need poetry that helps us see that we’re not alone in our questions.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I can fix this,” you’re the reason I was nervous about publishing this in the first place.

 If you’re reading this and thinking, “I thought I was the only one who felt that way,” this is for you.

Regis the Cat: A Story for Children

November 30, 2012

For Hannah.

Once upon a time, there was a black cat named Regis. Regis had rough fur, and his fur had some jaggers in it, because Regis didn’t have a family to live with.

Regis tried hard to be happy in spite of the fact that he didn’t have anyone to live with. Usually he had enough to eat, but sometimes he went hungry.

Regis didn’t understand why people avoided him, or why they often crossed to the other side of the street when they saw him coming. But they did.

One day, Regis was walking along his usual route when he came upon a little boy who didn’t cross the street to avoid him. The boy’s name was Jeffrey.

Jeffrey smiled at Regis and scooped him up off the street. Regis was a little surprised, but when Jeffrey petted his back, Regis was happy.

Just then, the boy’s mother, whose name was Frieda, ran over to Jeffrey. “Put him down!” she said. “But why?” asked Jeffrey. “Because he’s a black cat, and black cats are bad luck,” said Frieda.

Jeffrey set Regis back on the ground. “Be good, kitty!” said Jeffrey. And then Jeffrey and Frieda walked away. Regis was sad.

Now Regis understood. Black cats are bad luck. Regis was bad luck. He didn’t know that before. And knowing that he was bad luck made him even sadder.

He walked past a barber shop. A man hurried to get out the door and past him before Regis could cross his path.

Regis meowed. He hoped the man might pet him, but the man looked scared and rushed off.

In his hurry to avoid Regis, the man almost walked in front of a bus. “Oh no,” thought Regis. “Maybe I am bad luck.”

Regis kept going. He didn’t even look which way he was going, and a lady nearly tripped over him. She gasped.

“Oh no!” she said. “A black cat!” She walked quickly down the street. She didn’t see the ladder until she walked under it.

A can of paint fell down and splattered all over her. She turned to Regis. “Bad kitty!” she said.

Regis decided that everyone was right about him. He really was bad luck! He ran out of town as fast as he could.

When he saw some children playing, he went the other way, because he liked children and didn’t want them to have his bad luck.

He ran and ran and ran until he was all the way out of town. He slid between two boards in a fence.

He wasn’t looking where he was going, and he stepped on a thorn. It hurt, and he meowed loudly.

“What’s that?” An old woman named Edith was standing a few feet away holding a white cane.

Regis saw her, and he tried to be quieter, but Edith heard him just the same. “Kitty?” she said.

She got closer to him. He wished he could warn her. He wished that he could tell her that he was bad luck. But it was too late.

Her hands reached down. She scooped him up. “Poor kitty,” she said.

She petted his fur. Regis tried hard not to like it, but he couldn’t help himself. She felt his neck.

Regis’s paw still hurt, so he cried out again. Edith ran her hand all along his body until her hand found the thorn.

She gently pulled it out. And Regis felt much better.

He hopped down out of her arms. He didn’t want this kind lady to have bad luck after all that she had done to help him.

“Kitty?” she said. “You don’t have a collar. Do you have a home?”

Regis meowed.

“Would you like to stay with me?” she asked. “My children are all grown up and live far, far away from me, and I could use a friend.”

Regis was confused. No one had ever wanted him before.

“Please,” said Edith. And Regis came back to her. He rubbed against her leg, and she scooped him up.

When she walked up the sidewalk, she nearly tripped over a rake. “Silly rake,” she laughed.

Regis was surprised. He knew that it was his fault, but she carried him into her house anyway.

It was so warm inside that Regis could hardly believe it. Edith gave him a bath and cleaned the jaggers out of his fur. He didn’t like the water, but he liked how clean he felt when she took him out of the tub.

She held him on her lap while she knitted. In the days and weeks that followed, Regis felt safer and happier with Edith.

Soon Regis realized the truth. The old woman was blind, so she couldn’t see his black fur. And that was why she didn’t know that he was bad luck.

And Regis was happier than he had ever been in his life.

But one day, Edith’s son Wilson came to visit. He saw Regis curled up on the floor by her feet.

“That’s a black cat, mother!” he told her. “Why do you have him in your house?”

“Silly boy,” Edith said. “It doesn’t matter what color his fur is. He’s my friend. And he’s the best luck I’ve had in a long time.”

And Regis was happier than he had ever been in his life.

The End.

a thousanD anD onE reasonS tO believE . 4

November 26, 2012

.incarnatioN | reason fouR
.olD testamenT goD smiting everybodY
.violence and killing babies and slaying people
for looking into the arK of the covenanT
.then a lulL
.not a whimper from goD
.and then
a whimpeR
.more like a crY

.thoR smiteS
.zeuS hurls lightning
.godS reign

dominate
demand servitude
worship and adoration
sacrifice and sucH
//
.jesuS comes
born a baby
in the maintenance closet
of the hotel parking garage
to illegal immigrants
from a trailer park
who can,t afford a hotel rooM

.on purposE

.how ironiC
.how anti|climactiC
.when we invent gods’
gods with tiny hands
born in straw
impotent
powerless
visited by pimply kids
who work at the local mCdonaldS


…are not the kinds of gods we invenT

.1
.because i remember, i doubt
because i remember ,i have a duty to faith in chrisT
i remember the stories
i wrestle with the questions
even as i struggle to invent
a thousand and one reasons to hope
a thousand and one reasons to believE

The Psalm Project

November 4, 2012

My Old Testament Intro I class was assigned to write an original Psalm using the style in scripture. This is mine.

God who loves all,
____God who is kind and gives to everyone,
Where are you, God?
____And where is your spirit?
Why do storms strike the coast and kill the innocent,
____And why do you allow evildoers to make children soldiers?
How can I praise God for goodness done to me
____When violence is done to others
And has been throughout history
____And God does not intervene?

God, come soon,
____And do not long be so far off.
Hear the cries of the poor and the broken,
____And do not harden your heart
____against the people you have made.
Put an end to the evildoing of the wicked,
____And may your righteous judgment save them from their sins
____And save all who suffer from them.

But rain brings life for everyone;
____The sun warms the faces of all.
Flowers infiltrate prison camps
____And human kindness slips into the darkest places.
But where no good gifts appear,
____When only suffering, pain, and tragedy remain,
I remember the cross,
____The day God joined our suffering.


The assignment was to match the form of a Psalm type, and mine most closely matched the 
lament form. But it was missing two key elements: Address of Praise, and Petition for Deliverance. I added the first two lines as an address of praise easily, but then I only had the first and last stanzas. I still had to put a petition in the middle. And the petition required faith.

I hate asking for things, mostly because I hate being disappointed. It’s easier for me to ask God for vague things, like strength and to take care of people. Even then, I don’t expect too much of God. Sometimes when I’m desperate, I pray. But with the sort of things I was dealing with in this Psalm, there was no clean exit strategy. I had to ask for things directly related to the first section. I felt my heart crack when I realized that to finish this assignment, I had to put myself out there. I had to ask God for something I actually wanted. And that left me vulnerable, vulnerable to disappointment. And I think… maybe that’s faith.


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